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ll

by Drainpuppet

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1.
do i? 03:28
conscious losted drifting but holding on life laid options windswept i move on kind ghost drifting talk to me not too long small buds blossom on your shoulder grow strong through the stigma anxious figments forming in my mind freedom from the paranoia finally unwinds weak and tender wounds still healing safe but seldom sound listening to the fear and poison immolate the ground conscious losted drifting but holding on life laid options windswept i move on kind ghost drifting talk to me not too long small buds blossom on your shoulder grow strong but not too long
2.
bowl of time 03:18
meander meander meander fall, fall, fall x2 strangers stare buckshot in my spine confusion from their wispy eyes i roam through a wood of alien trees fall fall, like autumn's gentle leaves spiraling down, glide along the wind spiraling down, simple and delicate and my heart, says that i won't fit at least not here, here o melt my, melt my bark and lay me bare scared anxious, so weary vuln-ra-ble strangers' cold unfeeling eyes skin screams, from malicious knives i'll wait, to heal my fragile soul though i, won't ever be whole spiraling down, glide along the wind spiraling down, simple and delicate and my heart, says that i won't fit at least not here, here x2 meander meander meander fall, fall, fall x2
3.
still not seeing someone else still think about you, oh well god i hope you're doing well i'm sure as hell, not lying still in bed for hours my mood has become so sour cynical but to a fault and it's all my fault so much i can't undo i was so bad to you i made mistakes i hope your heart can heal moving on is so rough how long will be enough time flies by but i'm still right here with my thoughts i forgot how not to rely on someone else if i ev really knew how to just be happy by myself pondering the time we spent wondering just where you went back into your different world or somewhere else? didn't think it'd end so strange our friendship won't be the same will you ever look at me or just leave me be? i don't know what i need but it's not your empathy still feels like a dream what will ease my mind? i'm unhappy all the time i can't let my heart unwind with my thoughts i forgot how not to rely on someone else if i ev really knew how to just be happy by myself after all this time of running away from whats inside oh i am afraid that deep down there's nothing there it's all a guise, it's only lies i'm hollowed out, from all that ain't fair made of trauma and plastic smiles with my thoughts i forgot how not to rely on someone else if i ev really knew how to just be happy by myself
4.
oh well thinking on the times that i've hurt myself pushed my friends away, don't need anyone else but it didn't help, it was all for naught i faded away and they all forgot what happened to that girl you once knew she's about to leave, she'll be dead soon you let her cut the ties that held her back there's no one left to stop her, oh well warm and alone, my blood seeps through locked in my own rotting mind stabbing my heart, nothing else to do the comfortable pain passed the time thinking on the ways i neglect myself zip my mouth shut, pretend im doing well gentle agony beneath my thin skin no one ever tries to see what happened to that smile that you used to see? it was melted off from how you looked at me disgusting and misshapen's all i ever was guess i'll just stay here warm and alone, my blood seeps through locked in my own rotting mind stabbing my heart, nothing else to do the comfortable pain passed the time a thousand tiny cuts, a scent of ethanol loving without meaning, tallies up the wall i forget myself in the dopamine wounds flow like a stream warm and alone, my blood seeps through locked in my own rotting mind stabbing my heart, nothing else to do the comfortable pain passed the time x2 thinking on the times i gave up on me thinking on my wish for something i can't be thinking on the times for which i had regret wonder how i ended up with nothing left
5.
can't tell what i want from you, from me i think i forgot what i should be floating unthinking i've misplaced myself let me unravel the thread til i'm well so many reasons i'm left so uneven i shouldn't have ever pretended to be what others want my nature i have lost stretched so thin and weak don't know how to speak x2 [verse 2] can't tell where to go from where i am caught up in sea so far from land floating unthinking i've misplaced myself let me unravel the thread til i'm well so many reasons i'm left so uneven i shouldn't have ever pretended to be what others want my nature i have lost stretched so thin and weak don't know how to speak x4
6.
can't you tell, that i hate what i am i wish i had no form, then i'd be alright this carbon cage only hurts and hinders i wish the world was darkness, wish i was made of sunlight this dream is fucking twisted people say i should have never existed sometimes i think they're right i didn't choose this life i hurt myself today can you blame me anyway through all this shit i've lived my will is bout to give can't you see why i'm so frightened? can't you see why i'm so sad? can't you see my scars aren't fading? can't you see you're all i have? can't you tell, i'm in so much pain it comes and goes in waves, wish i could make it go away this box i'm locked in is so unforgiving in danger every night, in danger every day can't you tell, i can't hold out much more wish i was transparent, wish i had no form this world was not for me, not for many others i wish the world was darkness, wish i was made of sunlight this dream is fucking twisted people say i should have never existed sometimes i think they're right i didn't choose this life i hurt myself today can you blame me anyway through all this shit i've lived my will is bout to give can't you see why i'm so frightened? can't you see why i'm so sad? can't you see my scars aren't fading? can't you see you're all i have? can't you tell, i need respite from harm live alone with you, protect me with your warm arms hopefully one day i'll be invisible 'til then i'll fantasize that i am made of sunlight
7.
my mind races catastrophic these obsessions so neurotic how can i tell when i'm truly secure not good with change, shifting makes my skin so callous and coarse, i can't open anymore i'm too stoic everything grinds away at my tender will i want to get better but don't think i will anything and everything is just too much i try to fight through but it's not doing much why, can't i sleep at night can't i feel alright can't i see the light can't you hold me tight how can i tell when i'm truly secure not good with change, shifting makes my skin so callous and coarse, i can't open anymore i'm too stoic my mind races catastrophic these obsessions so neurotic how can i tell when i'm truly secure not good with change, shifting makes my skin so callous and coarse, i can't open anymore i'm too stoic i never asked to be so cold i never asked to be alone i never asked to be this cursed why is this hand i was dealt the worst this maladaption drives me mad can't help but treat myself so bad with these affects that life has brought my mind has become so miswrought my mind races catastrophic these obsessions so neurotic
8.
b l e u 04:00
you helped me fix myself i was too lost to tell now i'm stronger than i've been though i still suspect i'll burn i drank the ocean blue i'll remember you i drank the ocean blue i feel like someone else what i've become, can't tell you turned me into a portrait of yourself i may be better but i must restore myself i drank the ocean blue i'll remember you i drank the ocean blue i'll remember you i'll remember x4 now i'm back to square one with knowledge of whence i come things will be different this time i've patched my cracks with glue and built myself much stronger i'm ready to start anew i'm ready to start anew i drank the ocean blue i'll remember you i drank the ocean blue i'll remember you
9.
why'd you have to die? why'd you have to die? why'd you have to die, leave your friends behind and leave me empty inside? alone on the freeway headed for the cliff, no wish i had reached out before you slipped, off so young and tortured, but no one knew, no til the casket was closed, the tears drip, down i don't know what was going on in your head i wish you would have talked to me instead we were both so far away still i wonder why you why'd you have to die? why'd you have to die? why'd you have to die, leave your friends behind and leave me empty inside? standing on the edge where you once did, late at night, cold just a minute ago, we were young kids, where'd the time, go but if i'm lucky, i'll see you soon, somewhere else, whoa i hope you're well, and content, somewhere else, whoa i don't know what was going on in your head i wish you would have talked to me instead we were both so far away still i wonder why you why'd you have to die? why'd you have to die? why'd you have to die, leave your friends behind and leave me empty inside? why'd you have to run away leave us all distraught why'd you try to disappear and just be forgot? why'd you have to run away what hurt you so bad what hurt you so bad
10.
what a horrible day i've lost a friend it's weighing on my mind it was not what i did or what i said but who i am inside people fill me with fear unpredictable, insincere i've been betrayed once or twice they gut me and leave me people fill me with dread only ashes in my head i've been killed many times they drain my arteries they're all so goddamn hollow hollow shells, painted faces they don't love, their life is painless they just take, never give feeding on warm blood to live this wasn't how i thought it worked i'm the only one who hurts hollows gather around to see as you smile and impale me [impaled noises] people fill me with fear unpredictable, insincere i've been betrayed once or twice they gut me and leave me people fill me with dread only ashes in my head i've been killed many times they drain my arteries you lifted my head up then tried to destroy me the second i looked away you're sociopathic feeding on agony but i don't easily sway your demons will cascade swallow you whole one day and no one will remember you the ruin that you bring you're worth less than nothing i hope you drown in guilt sooner or later
11.
i should have never left you so many mistakes these days disappeared without a warning lucky you didn't float away i got caught up in a smokescreen couldnt see a foot in front of my face i don't deserve your forgiveness but you gave it to me anyway i'll do everything in my power to make it up to you, its the least i can do the minutes change to hours every moment with you... feels so safe my soul's at ease with you all i need's to be held tightly by when my mind's arace with thoughts of guilt and hate you wash it all away with a smile. and i'm okay i've hurt so many people it keeps me up late at night i push everyone good away cuz im scared they'll hang me out to dry but that makes me just like them gotta open up and trust or i'll be forgotten and my memory will fade to dust i'll do everything in my power to make it up to you, its the least i can do the minutes change to hours every moment with you... feels so safe my soul's at ease with you all i need's to be held tightly by when my mind's arace with thoughts of guilt and hate you wash it all away with a smile. and i'm okay you were always everything i'll never run away again everything we could have been i want to try for that again you mean so fucking much to me i need to fix the shit ive done you were always everything you were always everything x2

about

ll - two - eleven - strength - pause

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this album is in some ways a departure for me and in other ways getting back to my roots. prior to 2013 most of my music was slow and sad. in 2013 i started an album about my depression called dysthymia. i intend to finish it eventually, but i have not yet. in many ways this album is a sequel to that, dysthymia two. in other ways, it feels to me like this is my first album. this is who i am.

in the last month or two i created this album to express the particular types of hardship i have been going through. it is an exercise in catharsis, in storytelling, in being honest with myself. it's about depression, about pain and anxiety, about self-loathing. it's about how far i have come. it's about how difficult and frightening it is to exist. it's about fear and guilt, and letting yourself be vulnerable despite trauma.

this point in my life feels kind of still. it's like everything was moving so fast for a while and now i have a chance to stop and think about where i am; i have a chance to pause. at the time of this album's release, i will have started HRT nearly exactly two years ago. those two years went by incredibly quickly but so much has happened and i have changed so much as a person.

strength is the eleventh card of the major arcana. it represents fortitude, patience, the strength to carry on and subsist. things that have always been difficult for me, but i am getting stronger. i am learning to trust myself, be compassionate with myself, fight for myself, stand up for myself. it's something i need to remind myself to do, often.

i hope you can relate to it, and i hope it helps you. thank you.

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thanks to autumn for the very COOL and DRAINPUPPETY art

extra thanks to everyone on my mailing list and everyone who has ever bought my music, anyone who has ever told me my shit mattered to them, anyone who's ever showed anyone else my music, everyone who's ever supported, came out to shows, y'all rock so much. see u at magfest.

special thanks to
luci, aria, jamie, maria, keynan, housey, dicksquad, mara, valor, kurtis, maxx, hayden, and my MOM S/O TO MOMS WORLDWIDE

credits

released December 21, 2017

art by @lavandesound on twitter
music by drainpuppet

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Drainpuppet Hamilton, Ontario

lightning priest

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